I have a problem that causes me problems at work and in
various social settings. I live in a culture that likes a lot of eye contact.
Even as a child, I was told that I did not make enough eye contact.
Unfortunately, our society thinks that if you do not make eye contact, you are
being dishonest. You would think that after having politician after politician,
and crook after crook look into a camera and lie, that people would realize
that eye contact, or a lack of it, does not mean that one is dishonest. In fact,
in Japan, a lack of eye contact is not considered a bad thing but I digress.
I was different hairless ape from the beginning, and I paid
for my differences (I will explain why later). Sometimes, I was yelled at by
adults when I was not as coordinated as they thought I should be. I would pull
out a chair, go to sit in it, and miss the chair completely. Every spring break
I was taken skiing and I used to hate skiing with a passion. I would fall and
fall and fall and I could barely get up. The whole time I would be screamed at
to get up. Now, the screaming did motivate me to keep trying and I eventually
did become a good skier, but the yelling also hurt…it hurt a lot.
In ways, I had a great childhood, and in ways, I had a hard
childhood. I had a gross motor problem, and I had to take an extra PE class
every week. Sometimes, in the second PE
class, I would have to fight another student with a foam bat. For the longest
time, I would get the living daylights beaten out of me. Until one day, I had
enough and me and the other student beat each other bloody. In fact, the
teacher of the class had to end the sparing sessions because we (the other
student and I) would get so bloody.
As a kid, and sometimes as a young adult, people would take
the fact that I did not look people in the eye as sign of weakness. One kid
found out the hard way, that his belief was sorely misplaced. I put him out of
school for a few weeks. I believe that event made me more timid than I already
was. I hurt someone very badly, even though he started the fight and had
friends there to help fight me.
When I was a teenager, I was very depressed and suicidal.
Instead of killing myself or deciding to get revenge, I sought out help. My
therapist said that I acted like a person who was sexually abused. I have never
been sexually abused (God, I hope that I do not have repressed memories); however,
sometimes I do feel like my soul was raped (I apologize to those that have
actually been raped). Furthermore, my stepfather was an alcoholic and called me
a nerd and a geek every day. Combined with the mental abuse at home, I was
often called a nerd or geek at school. Needless to say, my self-esteem was very
low. My next blog entry will tell the story about how a teenage monster gained
the confidence to leave the house. To find out what I mean by Teenage Monster click
on this link to find out: http://pmorries.hubpages.com/hub/You-Are-Not-A-Monster-Do-Not-Let-Them-Make-You-One
So, what does all of this have to do with not looking
someone in the eye? A whipped dog or a
beaten person will not look you in the eye. I will always struggle with my self-confidence,
and I have to work on it almost every day. All that I ask is, if you ever meet someone
who does not immediately look you in the eye…do not assume that he/she is up to
no good.