Sunday, June 10, 2012

I will not look you in the eyes.

I have a problem that causes me problems at work and in various social settings. I live in a culture that likes a lot of eye contact. Even as a child, I was told that I did not make enough eye contact. Unfortunately, our society thinks that if you do not make eye contact, you are being dishonest. You would think that after having politician after politician, and crook after crook look into a camera and lie, that people would realize that eye contact, or a lack of it, does not mean that one is dishonest. In fact, in Japan, a lack of eye contact is not considered a bad thing but I digress.

I was different hairless ape from the beginning, and I paid for my differences (I will explain why later). Sometimes, I was yelled at by adults when I was not as coordinated as they thought I should be. I would pull out a chair, go to sit in it, and miss the chair completely. Every spring break I was taken skiing and I used to hate skiing with a passion. I would fall and fall and fall and I could barely get up. The whole time I would be screamed at to get up. Now, the screaming did motivate me to keep trying and I eventually did become a good skier, but the yelling also hurt…it hurt a lot.
In ways, I had a great childhood, and in ways, I had a hard childhood. I had a gross motor problem, and I had to take an extra PE class every week.  Sometimes, in the second PE class, I would have to fight another student with a foam bat. For the longest time, I would get the living daylights beaten out of me. Until one day, I had enough and me and the other student beat each other bloody. In fact, the teacher of the class had to end the sparing sessions because we (the other student and I) would get so bloody.

As a kid, and sometimes as a young adult, people would take the fact that I did not look people in the eye as sign of weakness. One kid found out the hard way, that his belief was sorely misplaced. I put him out of school for a few weeks. I believe that event made me more timid than I already was. I hurt someone very badly, even though he started the fight and had friends there to help fight me.

When I was a teenager, I was very depressed and suicidal. Instead of killing myself or deciding to get revenge, I sought out help. My therapist said that I acted like a person who was sexually abused. I have never been sexually abused (God, I hope that I do not have repressed memories); however, sometimes I do feel like my soul was raped (I apologize to those that have actually been raped). Furthermore, my stepfather was an alcoholic and called me a nerd and a geek every day. Combined with the mental abuse at home, I was often called a nerd or geek at school. Needless to say, my self-esteem was very low. My next blog entry will tell the story about how a teenage monster gained the confidence to leave the house. To find out what I mean by Teenage Monster click on this link to find out:

So, what does all of this have to do with not looking someone in the eye?  A whipped dog or a beaten person will not look you in the eye. I will always struggle with my self-confidence, and I have to work on it almost every day. All that I ask is, if you ever meet someone who does not immediately look you in the eye…do not assume that he/she is up to no good.

Monday, June 4, 2012

A Tom Sawyer Moment With a Devil Worshipper

I once had a Tom Sawyer moment with a devil worshipper. I was painting in the lobby of my office when a kid everyone called devil-worshipping boy asked if he could paint too. This kid would wear upside down crosses, black face paint, and pentagrams and go hangout at the mall. I handed him a paintbrush, and I watched him paint for a while. He was a very good painter, so I decided I could d go to the back office and work on some other projects.  After awhile, my assistant came in and said that devil boy is painting the front office. I told him and everyone else that devil boy was doing a great job, and he did do a great job. After all, devil-worshipping boy was a boy, and most boys like to paint.

I have worked with kids for a large part of my life, and there are some great kids out there. There are also some kids, who could be remarkable kids, but they never really had a chance. So many kids or teens are out there waving flags and shooting up flairs for help.  What do I mean by shooting up flares and waving flags? Wearing a black trench coat is waving a SOS flag and owning occult paraphernalia is like shooting up flairs.  Furthermore, when they cut themselves they are screaming for help in blood. Unfortunately, a lot of us walk by these calls for help and do nothing.

I realize that there is very little you can do to help a person you meet in passing, but there are some people out there who can do something and refuse to do anything. When I was a teenager, I was depressed and suicidal. I can remember going to class and having tears stream down my face, and the teacher would not ask a single question. I was seated in the front row of the classroom, so my friends did not notice my silent tears. If you are a teacher and you see that there is a problem with a child or you witness bullying (I have witnessed teachers do nothing about bullying), one must act. You have chosen a profession that does not allow you to bury your head in the sand.

 I would also like to make a point about kids/teenagers and their friends. We all hear of children having to grow up too fast at home because their mother or father has died, or they just simply come from a bad home. Well, sometimes kids from good homes have to grow up fast because they have to become their friend’s family or support system. Therefore, even if your kid is well adjusted, one should take the time to listen to them.

In closing, if you are a survivor, like a teacher, you are obligated to help those in need. Why do you have an obligation to help them? You have a responsibility because you are now a teacher, and you can teach those who are going through what you went through the art of survival. Even if you do not believe that they can learn from your particular experience, you can point them in the right direction.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Well, I survived the first posting of my new blog, and I embarrassed myself at the same time. Somehow, I managed to post the same entry twice. That is something that I am only capable of doing. I had so many pages open, and so many copies of my first post open, that I must have hit the post button twice.  Oh well, surviving embarrassment is nothing new to me. I know for a fact, that some people live in mortal fear of embarrassment. I have decided to share some of my most embarrassing moments, so that you can see that there is no fool, like this fool.

The first day I was supposed to start going to a new Junior High School, I walked up to the bus stop with a confident smile. Suddenly, all of the girls at the bus stop started saying that he is so cute, and I felt like a Rock God. That is until I looked down and found a puppy walking between my feet. Funny, girls never reacted quit the same way to me again.

Also in Junior high school, I won the lead part in a play. The play went well until one my big scenes. I was supposed to utter my lines and make a dramatic exit. I turned to make my dramatic exit, stage right, when a hanging mike hit me right between the eyes. Well, at least I got a standing ovation.

I have always had no sense of fashion. I went to a debate tournament, in the 80’s ,wearing a leisure suit and a silk shirt (the silk shirt had boats on it). Why my parents or brother did not warn me that wearing thatt awful outfit to a tournament was a bad idea… is still a mystery to me.

I had my boss over for Thanksgiving and my pants fell down while I was carving the turkey. I was not so thankful on that particular holiday

In closing, everyone is afraid most of the time. Furthermore, most people are afraid of being embarrassed. The point is that we can survive being embarrassed. Embarrassment will not kill you…unless you let it.


PS If you enjoy my blog, you might enjoy my Hubs at

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Blog for Survivors (and anyone else).

What exactly is a survivor? A survivor is someone who has survived something horrible. It is possible that what causes one-person pain is not that big deal to you; however, pain is pain in whatever form it takes. If one decides to kill himself because his nose is too big (at least to him), it does not mean that the pain he suffered was not real. So, if you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, child abuse, having an abusive or  alcoholic parent, mental abuse, or physical abuse this is the blog for you; however, and there is always a however, one may have survived a horrible marriage or had a terrible job. A terrible job can hurt your soul, and a terrible marriage can destroy it.  I could go on and on and describe horrendous predicaments that one is forced to survive during a lifetime, but even survivors need a little help once in awhile.
This blog will be a safe place, a warm, maybe not always clean,  well-lighted place, to relate to other survivors, and this blog will be a place to go for a laugh or two (maybe I will get some unintentional laughs). Oh, and this blog will cover many different topics, so one should never become bored with it. In closing, I will blog at you soon

PS You can read some of my Hubs at